Passaic Today

As spring brings family gatherings for events like Easter, Passover, graduations, and weddings, advice on minimizing conflicts is timely. Professor Jon Caspi from Montclair State University, who is an expert on sibling relationships and a licensed therapist, offers guidance on handling tense discussions, especially during politically charged times. This comes as National Sibling Day approaches.

Caspi advises, “Holiday gatherings are not the time to sort out political differences or sibling differences. That’s the time just to kind of hang out and enjoy each other’s company. Keep it light.”

The strategy for engaging in difficult discussions varies with the nature of sibling relationships. Caspi notes, “There’s a way to have those conversations with some siblings, but with others there’s not because there’s such high defensiveness. People are very emotionally connected to their political philosophies.”

Sibling relationships are often intense, with learned rules of engagement, and a political debate may mask deeper issues. Caspi suggests that what appears to be political debates might stem from unresolved personal conflicts, describing these as “proxy fights.” He warns that the disagreements “are not going to resolve the real issue because it has nothing to do with it.”

Caspi, from the Family Science and Human Development department in the College for Community Health, provides strategies for maintaining strong sibling bonds during politically sensitive times:

- Prioritize the relationship over political views.

- Choose the right time to talk politics privately.

- Focus on emotional connections rather than debating ideologies.

- Avoid name-calling and mocking to prevent deepening divides.

- Stay curious and ask questions about differing viewpoints.

- Respect differences and maintain closeness despite disagreements.

Maintaining positive sibling relationships is vital for long-term well-being. “You should be able to have conversations and relationships with people who are different from you and have very different beliefs,” Caspi emphasizes. However, he acknowledges exceptions where relationships may be harmful, warranting limited contact.

Caspi advises, "As an adult, you have a choice about whether you want to invest in your sibling relationship and how much you want to invest. In situations where the relationship has been so problematic, or has involved abuse of any kind, it’s not in the best interest of the person to continue investing in that relationship even if that’s what Mom and Dad want."

For parents, Caspi offers insights from his book "Raising Loving Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Help Your Kids Connect." He emphasizes teaching positive behaviors early, reinforcing good interactions, modeling respect, fostering shared experiences, and promoting empathy.